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| emotions are the spawn of the devil. they have built me up and broken me down. I want to start over. I want to take back time and go to back to who I was, but at the same time I just want it all erased and forget any of it happened. I regret meeting you. I regret my life. I love life, I just don't think it was meant for me. I take everything for granted, I let things bring me down when life is beautiful, when I'm so lucky to be who I am, to be where I'm at. I let emotions, pain, someone else's action bring me down to a level where I carelessly throw such a gift away.
I don't want help, I don't want pills. I need to get over myself, I need to learn to let go, I need to learn to start over, and most of all, I need to learn to forgive. I need to stop being bitter, hateful and hurt by all those that were involved.
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| Sometimes in life you wonder why me, you question everything both the significant and insignificant things that have impacted your life. You wonder why you meet these people, why bad things had to happen for good to come along and then you question the necessity of the bad, and then you question the possibility of it even resulting in something better.And when it all bowls down, after you've analyzed everything right down to its core, you're still left with a question. The necessity of it all. Why.
I know that I should suck it up, I know that I'm being a dumb emo bitch. And that's why I tell no one and keep these things to myself. It's been too long that I've been running around these circles. A few days ago I hit my all time low. I was drunk, I was depressed and I simply didn't want to reason with myself. This is how I feel, this is how I've been feeling and I can't get rid of it. I don't care what anyone tells me at those moments. I don't care if you've had a harder life than me, I don't care if life is hard, I simply don't care. Cause I'm living my life, this is what happened to my life and this is how I've become. I can't change that. I cry about stupid things alone. I cry when I'm alone. I cry a shit ton. I get depressed when I'm reminded of the slightest things, I get depressed when I get a phone call and when I don't. Unless I'm super busy, I'm reminded of it 24/7. Every single passing moment takes excruciating effort to ignore those feelings, to push them aside. I walked off campus, I climbed a building. It was relieving. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it cause I know it's stupid, that it's not something I should do. I just felt alone and no one would pick up. No one was with me. And I just wanted to talk. I'm not okay. And I don't know how to make it better. I'm not a dumb girl. I can reason with myself. I know this is all something very stupid, instability, weakness of the mind whatever you may call it and I agree. That's probably the worse part of it.
My life has become such a joke. I've become a joke. I'm so stupid it's hard to comprehend.
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| here's the series of things that have happened to me for the past few days:
- i got back home from hawaii after dealing with my mom for 2 weeks trying desperately to keep her happy.
- my mom gets back and gets annoyed...don't know why
- my dad in turn gets mad
- my mom yells at me
- my dad yells at me
- my dad calls me screaming at me
- i just leave the house
- i leave the house again
- i can't leave the house cause of religion
- i am finally having a good time, ian waves at a girl he cheated on me with
- i get mad
- he won't shut up
- now it's my fault that i'm mad
- he said he'd never see her again, so it's my fault
- he cheated on me with multiple girls, one in this case that lives in naperville
- we live in naperville
- calls me names.
- i leave
- i get hit
- my bumper is fucked up
- now ready to get owned by my parents cause some other dude hit my car cause he can't stop....at a red light......sigh
conclusion: I wish he'd hit me harder.
conclusion 2: I wish my parents would get a divorce
conclusion 3: i hate my life
conclusion 4: I hate lucia
conclusion5: i hate all the people that hurt me and i hate all the people he cheated on me with
conclusion 6: I hate ian
conclusion 7: I really just hate everything that has transpired in my life
conclusion 8: I really wish he'd hit me harder.
conclusion 9: draw your own conclusions.
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| people leave. people always leave.
and it's my fault. somehow it always is. friends, family, relationships.
what is there to hold on to if it's only going to go away. why hold on.
I don't get the point anymore. in fact I never did.
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| Dear Xanger man,
I'm involved in so many things, none of which I'm really involved in. I wish I could become part of the bigger group, someone of greater importance or a bigger role. That hasn't happened. Friend situation is a tiny bit better, not much else is better. I'm trying to be more involved, but that has honestly made my life so much more hectic. I find no time to workout or do anything as a matter of fact, sometimes I just want to sleep. I work ahead yet I find myself behind. I honestly don't understand. I'm also trying so hard to get that 4.0 but that simply is not working out for me. Man, I don't get it. I'm trying so hard. I fucked up so bad during my first semester, just cut me a fucking break. I hate living where I am, I hate the mess, I hate the stench, I just hate everything about it. And the best thing is knowing next year, I'll probably hate it even more. I just want to go, I want to leave, I fucking just hate knowing the future. I want to do something with my life, yet I hate everything about it. I just want to start over, completely. no desires, no wants, no future and do it again, but do it right. I wish I never met the people I did, I wish what I am now is not the way I am, I wish someone could blow up my mind or give me a new brain. Just what the hell. I'm content but at the same time I know there's so much that I just want to change, leave, disappear. I hate being myself, quite honestly. I feel like such a dumb useless bitch. Everyone else's flaws I find thriving somewhere in myself. I can't get that grimy feeling off. And to know that there's bitches out there that are better than me, bitches that fuck people over, that just sucks. I don't get it. I think the one person I hate the most in the world is probably myself. If people liked me, they would never hurt me. Never hurting me means never bringing out the worst in me or themselves. But it doesn't work that way, right? It never does. It sucks, it sucks a lot and sometimes I just want to jump off a cliff cause I regress back in time and just not know what I do. Bah, I'm content, so why babble, why worry, why complain?? I'm confusing myself to no end, I'm just frustrating myself.
Which also brings me to another thought. I trust absolutely no one. I trust no one with my thoughts or my feelings anymore. I was laying there one day and X was just talking getting mad at me telling me how much of a jerk I was being, I don't remember the reason why and all I could think was, I really just want to tell you ever single minute that I'm with you I'm overjoyed but at the same time beneath all that joy I find an excruciating amount of pain that makes me think every time you yell at me, I just want to kill myself cause that would just save me anymore hurt that you're causing me and perhaps that way, I'll save you the energy of having to deal with me and my inability to forgive as well as everyone else in my whole life that has to deal with me and the shit that I do, the hatred that I have cause one less hate can amount to a lot of love, love that clearly was not meant for me or not even in the vicinity of my direction. To all this, I say what the hell and what the fuck. I just really really really want to disappear forever.
sigh.
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